opening soon · currently preheating
we rate ur cooking skills, so ur friends don't have to.
soon u'll put ur dinner on the pass, and four critics with nothing to lose will say what the group chat is too polite to. right now the kitchen's closed and something is definitely burning.
no signup. no newsletter. no mercy. we'll yell when it's ready.
a taste of what's coming
every dish gets an itemised verdict. these ones are from our test kitchen — made up, but emotionally accurate. urs will be real.
the panel
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0.4%
nonna assunta
91 years old · has never used a timer
docks points for beige. docks points for "fusion". docks points.
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3%
chef odile vasseur
two stars · zero patience
will forgive flavour. will not forgive plating.
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beep
the smoke detector
hallway ceiling · since 2014
only speaks when something has gone wrong. speaks often.
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100%
greg
eats standing over the sink
has never left a bad review. is not a reliable source.
↑ approval rates. nobody gets 100%. except from greg.